In my counselling room recently, a man sat across from me, twisting his wedding ring absentmindedly. He was here because of a choice he couldn’t seem to make: should he leave his wife and build a new life with another woman — his best mate’s wife — or should he end the affair and attempt to repair the marriage he’s quietly dismantling?
On paper, he called it “weighing up his options.”
In reality, he was wrestling with the difference between love and lust, between a genuine new connection and the adrenaline rush of secrecy.
The Web of Impact
Affairs are not isolated events. They are relational earthquakes, sending aftershocks through every life they touch.
In his case, the affair had already torn the fabric of two marriages — even though only four people knew about it. His wife was still unaware, going about her life, caring for their children, and trusting him implicitly. His mate — the other woman’s husband — had no idea his friend was sharing his bed and his trust.
The fallout was already set in motion:
His wife’s life would be split open by a truth she didn’t ask for and couldn’t prepare for. The children’s lives would be changed forever, as the foundation of their family cracked. His friend would lose not only his marriage but also a deep male friendship. The other woman’s children would face the same disorientation.
The Unseen Sacrifice of His Wife
This is where the story stings even deeper.
When a woman marries and has children, she often — consciously or unconsciously — reorganises her entire life around the family. She may step back from her own career, from personal passions, from independence, so her husband can lead professionally, provide financially, and live with the security of her support.
She gives her time, her body, her emotional labour. She invests in the home, the children’s wellbeing, and his stability — all on the unspoken agreement that this partnership is mutual, loyal, and safe.
An affair, especially one of this nature, is not just about sex. It is a profound rupture of that agreement. It says, “I will take what you give, but I will also take from somewhere else, without telling you.”
The Betrayal That Has Already Happened
Some people mistakenly believe the betrayal begins when the spouse finds out. It doesn’t.
The moment the affair began — the very first time a boundary was crossed — the marriage was altered. Trust had been silently replaced with deception. He had already destroyed the integrity of the relationship, even if she was still smiling at him over the dinner table.
Why So Little Compassion?
From the outside, it can seem shocking that someone in his position has so little visible empathy for the people he’s hurting. In session, this often comes down to compartmentalisation — the mental trick of putting the affair in one box, the marriage in another, and not letting the two connect emotionally.
In the affair, he feels alive, seen, and desired. In his marriage, he feels the weight of responsibility and history.
If he let himself fully consider the pain he is causing — not just to his wife, but to the children, the friend, and the other woman’s family — the guilt would be unbearable. So he doesn’t.
Instead, he frames his dilemma as a romantic decision, as though it were only about which woman to choose, ignoring that the question is no longer about choice but about accountability.
The Truth He Needs to Face
The affair is not happening in a vacuum. It is a chain reaction with deep emotional casualties. And no matter what decision he makes next — whether to stay or to leave — the consequences will remain.
In reality, the question isn’t, “Should I leave my wife for this other woman?”
The real question is, “Am I willing to face the full cost of what I’ve done and take responsibility for repairing the damage, whether or not the marriage survives?”
Until he confronts that truth, the affair will not just be a secret — it will be an ongoing act of harm.
Mens Guide 